Last week we had the opportunity to sit down with President Patty Pitypander, who took time from her very busy schedule to tell us how she feels about ghosts in the White House. What follows is a brief excerpt from that interview, which unfortunately got a little overheated at times. – Will Worsley, author of The Potusgeists.
Will Worsley: Madam President, thanks so much for making time for us. I know you must have a million things to do, after what you’ve been through in recent weeks. First, is there any truth to the rumor that you’re seeing ghosts in the White House?
President Pitypander: What are you implying? That I’m crazy? That I’m not qualified by any stretch of the imagination to be president of the United States? That I’m nothing but a former high school guidance counselor who happens to be a billionaire’s wife? Is that what you’re suggesting?
Will Worsley: No, Madam President, I didn’t say that at all. All I meant was—
President Pitypander: I wonder if you’d be asking the same question of any male politician. I highly doubt it. You reporters are all alike. You twist my words around like a pretzel.
Will Worsley: I didn’t mean to, Madam President. But speaking of reporters, there’s been some talk that you’ve been trying to improve your strained relations with the press. How do you propose to do that?
President Pitypander: Why is it always my job to improve my relations with the press? Why can’t reporters try being nicer to me? They call me aloof and defensive, but I’ve tried everything I can to reach out to them. What have I done to them to deserve such awful treatment?
Will Worsley: What treatment is that? Could you be more specific?
President Pitypander: They’re always spreading rumors about me. Why do they do that?
Will Worsley: Are you referring to the rumor that you’ve been seeing the ghost of Thomas Jefferson and that you’ve gone bonkers?
President Pitypander: There you go! Right there, you’re doing it to me now. That’s a smear. I categorically deny having had anything to do with any ghosts. It’s all a pack of lies. Stop it, right now!
Will Worsley: So you deny having encounters with ghosts? What your housekeeper said about you is untrue?
President Pitypander: How dare you!
Will Worsley: Sorry, Madam President, I didn’t mean to set you off.
President Pitypander: Then you shouldn’t have brought up baseless rumors about me.
Will Worsley: Let’s change the subject, shall we? Is your husband Benny fully on board with your being president? We never see him in the White House. Why is that? Some have suggested that your marriage is a sham.
President Pitypander: Of course Benny is on board with me. My husband has a global casino empire to run. He’s a very busy man, doing business deals all over the world. He doesn’t have time to hang around Washington. Besides, he hates politics.
Will Worsley: We’ve heard that at least one of Mr. Pitypander’s deals may be illegal, even treasonous, and that it could compromise your presidency. Any truth to this?
President Pitypander: This is outrageous! Where do you get such nonsense?
Will Worsley: It’s widely rumored in the press that there may be a lot of other ghosts in the White House as well. Have you been seeing them too?
President Pitypander: There you go again, believing every lie some reporter tells you. It’s fake news, all of it. I’m not seeing ghosts, I tell you!
Will Worsley: That’s comforting to hear. But according to what we heard from a certain young ghost hunter named Clint Cranberry—
President Pitypander: What? Clint has been talking to you about me?
Will Worsley: Well, yes. Do you know Clint? All he told us was—
President Pitypander: Oh, what did he say? Tell me, please.
Will Worsley: Are you all right, Madam President? All of a sudden, you’re looking pale. Madam President?
President Pitypander: Oh, Clint, Clint…
At this point the president went into a sort of reverie. We gave her a few minutes to collect herself before proceeding with the remainder of the interview. If you’d like to know more, click here to learn about The Potusgeists.