Will Worsley

An Interview with Patty Pitypander

Last week we had the opportunity to sit down with California’s ex-governor Patty Pitypander, who took time from her very busy presidential campaign to tell us how she feels about a whole range of issues. What follows is a brief excerpt from that interview, which unfortunately got a little overheated at times.  – Will Worsley, author of The Cougar Candidate

Will Worsley: Governor, thanks so much for making time for us. I know you must have a million things to do with the election only a few weeks away and President Diebold still ahead in the polls. First, is there any truth to the rumor that an urgent reorganization of your campaign staff is underway?

Governor Pitypander: What are you implying? That I’m disorganized? That I can’t run an effective campaign? That I’m not qualified by any stretch of the imagination to be president of the United States? That I’m nothing but a former high school guidance counselor who happens to be a billionaire’s wife? Is that what you’re suggesting?

Will Worsley: No, Governor, I didn’t say that at all. All I meant was—

Governor Pitypander: I wonder if you’d be asking the same question of President Diebold, or any other male politician. I highly doubt it. You reporters are all alike. You twist my words around like a pretzel.

Will Worsley: I didn’t mean to, Governor. But speaking of reporters, there’s been some talk that you’ve been trying to improve your strained relations with the press. How do you propose to do that?

Governor Pitypander: Why is it always my job to improve my relations with the press? Why can’t reporters try being nicer to me? They call me aloof and defensive, but I’ve tried everything I can to reach out to them. What have I done to them to deserve such awful treatment?

Will Worsley: What treatment is that, Governor? Could you be more specific?

Governor Pitypander: They’re always spreading rumors about me. Why do they do that?

Will Worsley: Are you referring to the rumor about you and the intern while you were governor?

Governor Pitypander: There you go! Right there, you’re doing it to me now. That’s a smear. I categorically deny having had anything to do with any intern. It’s all a pack of lies. Stop it, right now!

Will Worsley: So you deny having a special fondness for young men? What your pool boy said about you is untrue?

Governor Pitypander: How dare you!

Will Worsley: Sorry, Governor, I didn’t mean to set you off.

Governor Pitypander: Then you shouldn’t have brought up baseless rumors about me.

Will Worsley: Let’s change the subject, shall we? Is your husband Benny fully on board with your running for president? We never see him accompanying you on the campaign trail. Why is that? Some have suggested that your marriage is a sham and that he’s secretly supporting Diebold against you.

Governor Pitypander: Of course Benny is on board with me. My husband has a global casino empire to run. He’s a very busy man, doing business deals all over the world. He doesn’t have time to campaign with me.

Will Worsley: We’ve heard that at least one of Mr. Pitypander’s deals may be illegal, even treasonous, and that it could compromise your presidency if you were to be elected. Any truth to this?

Governor Pitypander: This is outrageous! Where do you get such nonsense?

Will Worsley: It’s widely rumored in the press that there may be Russians and North Koreans involved and—

Governor Pitypander: There you go again, believing every lie some reporter tells you. It’s fake news, all of it. Benny would never sell out his country, and of course neither would I.

Will Worsley: That’s comforting to hear. But according to what we heard from a certain young reporter at The Burbank Bee

Governor Pitypander: What? Jack Snap has been talking to you about me?

Will Worsley: Well, yes. Do you know Jack Snap? All he told us was—

Governor Pitypander: Oh, what did he say? Tell me, please.

Will Worsley: Are you all right, Governor? All of a sudden, you’re looking pale. Governor?

Governor Pitypander: Oh, Jack, Jack…

At this point the ex-governor went into a sort of reverie. We gave her a few minutes to collect herself before proceeding with the remainder of the interview, which is hardly worth the retelling, as it mainly concerns her well-known political platform. If you’d like to know more, click here to learn about The Cougar Candidate.